Into the Personal

I need to share something more so for me to put it out there rather than for support.

I am happy.

Not that there has been anything terribly wrong but I just haven't been happy happy in a long time. It all goes back to when I first went of to college and figured out I had a problem. My going off to college and striking out on my own after being a goody-goody high schooler coincided with my dad leaving for Iraq. My mom was struggling with my father being gone and I was able to do what ever the hell I wanted for the first time ........... and I did. I did a lot of drinking, a lot of other stuff, a lot of sleeping and very little class. Once it was too late I finally admitted that I didn't feel the same and decided to see a doctor. It was at that time that I was told that I had depression and it coincided with panic attacks and anxiety. I struggled with the fact that I was put on medication and it took me a long time to realize that I had an actual imbalance rather than just not being able to control myself.

I then went through a period in my life where I was able to get myself under control. I went through a period where I didn't have insurance and therefore decided to look into all natural alternatives, deep breathing, and meditation to try and keep myself in balance.

That worked until we came here.

Once we made the big move and the massive adjustment to the new city I found myself in need of something else and moved on to yoga. Again this was another avenue for me to postpone the inevitable. I have been struggling with my depression and anxiety since we moved here and it has caused a lot of problems. I have been leaning on my wife more than I should, I have been unable to let myself be myself around people, I have been very argumentative, and I have latched onto all of my wife's co-workers as friends. For all these things I am forever apologetic...but can't take it back. At this point I have been back on medication for a month and feel like a completely new person.

It is as if I have just made the move here and am starting over.

While I have already stepped on some toes and acted a little unreasonable and rowdier than should be done at my age, I am ready to start again. I have never been happier than I am about being back in school, working at the museum, my relationship is strong as ever, and my wife is figuring things out at work. I think that I am back on the right track and finally feel like myself again. I think another big part of this is my realization that this is something that I have to have treatment for and am not able to control in this part of my life.

The problem that still bothers me is that this is possibility that this "problem" is a product of our current culture and life style.

Anyway, thank you all for reading as I ramble....but I feel much better as a result. Thanks!